A week after the chaos...

First of all – thanks to everyone for the comments. Your words definitely help put things into perspective and helped me make out the downward spiral I was about to leap into.

I’m happy to report that both FD and I have recovered from the events that unfolded last week. As clichéd as it sounds, I’ve taken a lot away from the drama of last Friday. I’ve realised that one of the most beautiful things about our relationship is that we don’t ever try and control each other – so to try and stop FD from doing something he really wants to do can only be counterproductive. My only reason for ever trying to stop him from doing these wild things was concern for his safety – which boils down to me not ever wanting to imagine him not being in my life. Stopping him from embarking on all the mad adventures his heart longs for is a sure fire way of ensuring that one day him and I will part ways. Of all the vices a man can have – FDs ‘wanderlust’ as Lopz so aptly described it, is hardly a problem at all.

Moving on!!

I can’t believe how many young South Africans are flocking out of the country all of a sudden! In the past few weeks, I’ve had to digest the news that Kay, Aye and BMXer are all leaving the country in the near future. BMXer phoned me en route to the airport to say that he’s decided to move to Scotland, Aye is off to Germany after a series of several dramatic twists and turns in her life and Kay decided a few weeks ago that she’s in need of a new and environment and some adventure and is heading off to do the London thing.

South Africa has certainly had it’s fair share of problems in the past few months – with some losing a little hope and faith in the powers that be – but I don’t think this has much to do with everyone’s decision to leave all of a sudden. I think it’s got a lot more to do with the weird stage of our lives my friends and I are entering into. Suddenly partying like a mad thing is only fun once in a while, friends are beginning to settle down around us and our jobs are no longer just jobs, they’re potential careers. The big 3 0 is approaching rapidly and we’re all feeling a little unnerved.

Do we like the direction we’re headed? Sadly, I think the answer for most is no. And I’m no exception. Certain aspects of my life are exactly as I want them to be – but others are severely lacking. Going overseas and heading into a completely new and fresh environment means that all that can be changed... but can the same be done while staying on home ground? I think it can happen, but it’s a lot harder as old routine makes it easy for us to play out the same day over and over.

I’m sensing big changes are on the horizon... and I’m quite excited to see exactly how it’s all going to play out!

First fights

FD and I had our first fight on Friday night.

Although I know I should be impressed with the fact that we managed to avoid conflict for six whole months, a part of me honestly believed that we would escape ever having to argue about anything.

It was friggen awful – the whole thing triggered by FD’s decision to buy a motorbike on Friday afternoon and ended up with FD making some pretty hurtful statements about how he feels that he’s in a lose/lose situation – because he feels he needs to choose between navigating mountain tops and being with me. It was confusing, upsetting and enraging all at once and left both of us feeling completely overwhelmed and disorientated.

FD was up most of the night and when I woke up in the morning, I found him in a complete state, devastated about having upset me.

Even though we had ‘sort of’ resolved issues by Saturday morning, I felt pretty out of it the whole weekend, and still feel the same way today. I’m suddenly feeling a lot less safe and secure, and internally questioning FD’s headspace constantly – trying to feel out what he’s thinking without actually asking him.

It’s completely new territory and I don’t have a clue how to handle it. I’m desperate for things to be exactly as they were before.

I can’t imagine my life without him in it, and as much as he’s done to try and reassure me that he wasn’t considering walking away from our relationship, I’m finding it difficult to completely believe him.

What it boils down to at the end of the day, is that I was carrying on in my happy little bubble, almost oblivious that FD was spending as much time as he was agonising over the fact that he isn’t off conquering and exploring untamed territories. I had some idea that he was a little worried about these things, but I asked him about it once, and his response was that he can’t handle being apart from me for a day – so how would he ever be able to go off exploring for months at a time. And I believed it and carried on – but it wasn’t the end of those thoughts for him.

So where do I go to from here? Knowing that there’s a chance that FD’s actually secretly desperately unhappy but not vocalising any of it? Can I just carry on imagining our lives together forever, while he may secretly be feeling the opposite?

I’m hoping that over the next few days all these insecure feelings will disappear...