Before anyone gets the wrong idea, FD and I aren’t currently having the ‘moving in together’ conversation – but after watching the collapse of several of my friends’ relationships, it’s gotten me thinking...
FD stays over six nights a week – we always spend Mondays apart. We stay over at my spot 99% of the time, purely because of traffic issues and the fact that he doesn’t need to be at work at specific time while in my current job (only for the next two weeks though) I have to clock in (yes, literally clock in) at 08h00 each morning (my feelings on this could take up an entire post in itself).
Despite the amount of time he spends at my spot – all I’ve given him is one drawer in a hard to reach spot amidst my six cupboards. So FD has to sit in traffic each morning and practically live out of a suitcase and I’m aware that this sounds a bit heartless and cruel, but I think it’s important that we still distinguish between his place and my place.
There seems to be a massive difference between someone staying over almost every night and actually taking the leap to moving in together. Even though you’re probably spending the same amount of time together, something in the relationship dynamic seems to change dramatically – leading to most of my friends ending their relationships – or at least having regular and enormous arguments with their partners.
Having never done it myself, I have no idea what causes it – but it’s made me very hesitant to ever take that step. I’m a bit old school in that I’ve always believed that post-engagement is the best time to shack up. That way you’ve still got some time to feel it out before you tie the knot. But maybe the sooner the better – rather know that you’re incompatible right from the start – right?
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7 comments:
Well, I personally think it's different for everyone. I've been dating J for almost six years and we moved in together about four months ago. Now - that's not a long time but it's easier that I expected.
Right before, people were warning me about what a big step this was etc (which it is) and also how I'd get to know 'the real J' - he's still the same J I've known since st6. And we both adjusted almost immediately.
So I definitely think it depends on the person. :)
difficult one :)
shag up and see if it works... if it works really well tell him to leave immediately and that you are expecting an engeagement ring ASAP :)~
i think to be realistic, if he's spending 6 nights a week there, who's kidding who?
hmm... I also think it depends on the people and how much consideration and comprimise that they can give the other partner.
I'm in a very different position because I moved in with my bf when we had only been in a long distance - basically we hadnt lived in the same city. And so basically we didnt have a clue about any of each others habit etc. So this was how we got to know each other more intimately. We also learnt to compromise very quickly and have found such a comfortable medium with no fights or effort at all.
I think it also comes down to the fact that we still appreciate each other - like we thank the other person even if it is a little thing like washing the dishes.
I find it strange as I also know a couple that where together for 5 years going back and forth to each others place then got married and moved in together.... they fight all the time now and she told me she finds it so difficult to adjust to full on living with him.
@sleepyjane - perhaps it's a case of it only being a problem if a couple are really incompatible as my friends who unsuccessfully took the decision to move in together must have been! Sounds like J and you eased into it perfectly - but I agree, six years has got to be enough time to get to know someone properly, whether you're living together or not.
@sweets - I know I know... but I don't have to share my cupboards, which is a big deal. Although I am responsible for stocking the fridge, so maybe he's enjoying the current situation even more than I am :)
@midnitegem - I think you're right - perhaps it just comes down to the couple in question and how flexible they are - as well as how appreciative they are of one another.
yeah i agree, I don't know anyone for who living together has been the reason for a break-up (that's kinda pathetic, actually). But I do know that when you first move in, you will grate against each other for the first few weeks (esp if you're moving into a place one of you has already been living in before!!) But it's just a normal process of finding your boundaries and space, knowing where you fit in. I loved living with my ex and I love living with Varen, even if it's slightly more difficult cause he & i have very different ideas on household priorities ;)
And having previously been the one living out of the suitcase, trying to find time to go back to my house each afternoon to repack for the next day, I can tell you that that can do way more damage ... it was exhausting (but he was living half an hour's drive away back then!) and you end up feeling like you spend all your time in a place you don't really belong surrounded by nothing that is actually yours - okay, it's probably different for girls cause we're much more the nesting type and having my stuff around is important to me ;)
This is a tricky one! I also find myself asking when is it the right time to move in together!
MM and I considered it when I moved out at the end of March and we decided we weren't ready for it. It was actually quite strange because I knew I wasn't ready but I was hurt when he told me he wasn't ready - the whole wanting what you can't have I guess! But recently we have been enjoying each other's company so much that we have realised we are ready to move in together but it will only be something we can actually do next year.
We have also decided that although MM owns his place we won't move into his spot, we'll rather find our own place.
I guess as long as you keep the channels of communication open it can work. And, what is good for one couple isn't necessarily good for another. Perhaps if you guys chat about what you want and where you see yourselves going it helps.
My sister moved in with her boyfriend after about two weeks of dating and they lived together for 8 years. She always said she did not want marriage. As they got older they started to chat about where they saw themselves going and they both wanted children. At this point they discovered that they wanted to get married. This worked for her largely because they grew together and that is what keeps a relationship going!
well... me 'n glugs have been together 7 months and damien and i're already moving into his place!
it seems rushed, even to me, but i have truly never been more sure of anything since i was pregnant with damien.
i am still terrified about giving up my total independence and getting rid of a bunch of stuff i will have to re-acquire if (heaven forbid) things DON'T work out for us...
it is a sticky subject though.
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